While in Cambodia, Danielle along with Ashlee Larsen, a Brigham Young graduate student, accompanied Stirring the Fire founder, Phil Borges as he documented the work of Youth Star. The story below illustrates the positive impact Youth Star volunteer Samphors had in the Stieng community.
Domestic violence does not discriminate between country, culture, socio-economic status or religious affiliation. Domestic violence is a social problem present in every nation on our planet. The tiny jungle village of Brorvagn where approximately 100 Stieng families live is not exempt. As in many places around the world, domestic violence was considered a ‘private family matter’ until Samphors came, bringing education and perspective to this shushed up topic.
Besides starting a youth club, Samphors also tended a vegetable garden. There she met Savy, a Khmer woman who had married into the Stieng community. She was a quiet woman, rarely sharing anything about herself. But curiosity and kindness can go a long way and over time, Savy started to share more with Samphors about her life. She was married to a man who had a reputation of being sullen and quiet on the outside but who had a violent past. The villagers generally stayed away from him. There were rumors of his previous wife being beaten though we could not get confirmation because she died a premature death.
Savy at the Family’s Buddhist Shrine in the Home
Samphors, much to the dismay of her host family, began to visit Savy at her home – a 20 minute walk away from the main road along a narrow trail. Her host family knew of the husband’s reputation and warned her against going to his home. Samphors, being the head-strong woman she is, chose to go anyway. Once at Savy’s home they would talk for hours, Samphors openly sharing the pain of her past, growing up with a verbally abusive mother and having a father who abandoned her. Samphors’ openness prompted Savy to voice more of her own situation.
Savy had married Ra, her husband, shortly after the death of his first wife. That was 15 years ago. Savy has no children of her own, but raised Ra’s daughter from his first marriage. At the beginning of the marriage, Savy, like many hopeful new spouses, was optimistic and held tight to the dream she had had as a young girl that this union would be peaceful and she and her husband would work hand in hand together.
An Elder Looking Pensive
The reality turned out to be drastically different. From the get-go Ra was jealous and sought to isolate her – two huge red flags for DV. He told her to stay home and not interact with anyone from the village and at the beginning she would try to reason with him, explaining that she is naturally a gregarious people-person. This repeatedly ended up with him becoming violent and after time she stopped trying to counter his perspective. But that wasn’t all that upset him. Abuse has many hallmarks, one of which is never being able to entirely please the perpetrator. If one day getting dinner on the table on time is their focus for which there will be hell to pay if it isn’t on time, the next day it will be how dinner is cooked. The ever-shifting nature of the perpetrator’s attention keeps the victim on her toes, walking on egg shells, shouldering the blame for everything, including his abuse.
Ra would destroy plates and smash holes in walls. He continually threatened her. She told herself to stay calm and try to appease him but over time became very isolated and alone. Savy became depressed, as is common with DV survivors. She stopped caring and at her lowest point she isolated herself. She cried a lot and could hardly get out of bed. She would not eat for days on end and entertained thoughts of suicide. She believed that this was her karma.
Savy and her Husband, Ra
But Samphors presence began to shift Savy’s perspective. The more she talked with Samphors, the better she felt. It was so much easier for her to share her suffering with someone from outside the village. She had never opened up to the villagers because she feared their reaction; mocking her for not being a “good woman” or “good wife”. Samphors helped shift the village perspective on DV as well through the youth club by educating the young people. By the time Samphors was to leave the village, she had spent a significant amount of time with both Savy and her husband Ra. They were able to work a lot of things out and now have a non-violent, collaborative relationship in which their economic status has improved.
Savy still calls Samphors on the phone for comfort and conversation. But the day we met Savy and her husband Ra, they were confident in the positive changes that they had made. Stay tuned for the next post about the perspective of a perpetrator: Ra’s story.
Youth Leadership for Violence-Free Communities
Empowering and engaging youth as actors for change is a fundamental but underemployed approach for ending violence against women and girls. Youth Star Cambodia is an NGO that provides Cambodian university graduates an opportunity to gain experience and develop their civic leadership skills by working as volunteer interns in underserved rural areas. With support from the UN Trust Fund to End Violence against Women, Youth Star Cambodia enlisted 20 university graduates for a year-long volunteer service in an education and youth-led mobilization programme to address domestic violence.
Working with youth and other community members in districts across rural Cambodia, the volunteers created space for dialogue and education on values, sexual rights and gender relationships and sparked community action to prevent gender-based violence. While the youth volunteers themselves gained a range of skills and experience in mobilizing youth for action and change, the youth credited the programme with improved relationships, decreased violence, a sense of value and place in their communities, and increased school attendance.
The UN Trust Fund to End Violence against Women, managed by UN Women, is a leading source of support for local and national efforts to end violence against women and girls. Join the UN Trust Fund in this vital work—for more information on how you can support the UN trust Fund click here.