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Adam took me aside a few days ago and let me know that he was feeling uncomfortable in the way he was being portrayed on the blog. Below is a post written first hand by Adam to share with us the full spectrum of his process. As Adam mentions, “My healing is to embrace this light…and where it is coming from is from my shadow.”

The following interview takes place in Adam’s car.

I am writing this to address my fearful suppression.

The agreement of my mind is in the current state of indifference. I have forgotten who I am. I have lost my connection with the state in which I experience “I am me”. This state of self agreement, I may now only falsely experience through projected memories of my perceived contentment.

I am seeking my agreeable compromise. My emotions are detached from my awareness. My awareness is detached from my experience. Me, myself and I do not see eye to eye. I am who! Who am I?! My personality has shattered.

My terror and my joy are all that I have left as references to who this Adam character might be. I am experiencing the necessary contraction of my recently expanded awareness in order to find the agreement of my realized self spectrum.

I could say that I am depressed after yet another “manic episode”. I am naturally processing. The level of emotional intensity within the experience that one is processing, determines the spectrum of awareness necessary for that individual.

I am not bipolar. I am really human. Most of my day I am consumed by fearful remembrance. All that I see becomes horrible. All that I see is the evil in the world. The chaos of my harmony.

I become trapped in this perspective. Illusions of murder, sexual abuse, loss, hatred. Screaming voices of anguish and rage, consuming me no matter the environment. I become a P.T.S.D party of one.

Throughout my life I have been diagnosed with almost every mental disorder that the brain has ordered itself to have. I have been sent to the local nut house more than once. I have been forced to take more pharmaceutical drugs than a retired lab rat. P.T.S.D.A.D.H.D.L.M.N.O.P. with aspergers and fries… my self diagnosis.

I’m just really scared. I become so frightened that I experience a form of paralyzed awareness. The majority of what I experience as my personality, shuts down. It is not safe for me to be where I am. Flash backs of horror. While this is happening I will be smiling and telling you that I’m fine.

My mind convinces itself that it is not safe for me to share or receive anything that I think or feel. The triggers to my traumas are rooted in the fundamental aspects of everything that experience as my mind . I was deeply traumatized as a child. I have had a very traumatic, dramatic life since then. My mind blacked out my child hood trauma until it had the necessary perspective to begin accepting my experience.

My mind has fragmented for its own safety. I have remembered a forgotten identity in my mind. He is the shadow of my light. He has dealt with my rage and fear my entire life. He calls himself Eric.

We recently met in my subconscious mind during a mushroom healing. I agreed to accept him and help him deal with what I have refused. In return, he will eventually chill out, forgive my denial and integrate as Adam. Any exchange of energy, with myself or another has the potential to wake his cranky ass up.

If I avoid you, it is because my mind is screaming horrifying things about the fact that you might try to rape, kill or molest me in some way. I must objectively allow this reality to be while explaining to my forgotten self as to why everything is OK. This is my process of unification. My brain is currently out of order… so it thinks. My heart is broken… so it feels. Ideas of family, home, hobbies, comfort, stability, accomplishment, intimate relationships, anything involving personal enjoyment as an experience, currently reminds me of pain and sorrow. I am my resistance.

Please don’t take it personal. I am healing. Writing this is terrifying. This blog is terrifying. This film is terrifying. You are terrifying! I am terrifying! I will be OK. Fear is the crazy one, not me. Fear is scaring me out of my mind and into my heart. Thank you my fear, you are my teacher, my forgotten truth’s only friend. LOVE!

37 Responses to “Adam: The Shadow Side”

  1. Misha

    Is Adam not receiving Social Security Disability? If he does, and he is definitely eligible, he will have enough money to have a place of his own or at least enough money to travel and Not always depend on others. If Adam had some financial independence, what would his choice be–to associate with many people or not? Does forced socialization and not being authentic with people help his quest for integration or r they a hindrance? i dont know, i am just thinking, i have a friend just like that and i helped him apply for and receive SSD in the hopes that it helps–too early yet to tell…

    Reply
    • adam

      I am not receiving SSD. I began the filing process in Maui. It was cancelled when I moved. I have yet to apply again. I need to. Forcing my socialization feels both helpful and hindering. It depends on the day. I feel that interaction and isolation are both necessary for me to process. It would be very nice If I could provide myself with the stability to choose.

      Reply
      • Caroline

        Hey Adam, My name is Caroline I relate to your experiences so much. I have had a lot of psychosis, confusion, hospitalizations and been medicated on dozens of different combos. My last big psychotic break was in 2011 after which I had to move from Brooklyn to Denver to live with my aunt. It was in Denver that I found Karis Community (kariscommunity.net). Living there saved my life and provided me with not only 18 roommates and on demand therapy, but the freedom to navigate my life and dreams in a safe place without a curfew or anyone dispensing me meds. Karis is about $500 a month and is like a family and not medical facility-like at all. I’m writing a blog for my memoir that you should check out. Here is the chapter I wrote about Karis Community: http://bycarolinepugh.tumblr.com/post/71728493283 Thanks for sharing your story. I’m totally inspired you.

        Reply
      • Annemarie

        Your story has touched my heart, sending you Luv and healing on all levels. I hope you have found who and what you need to be free.

        Reply
      • Phil Borges

        We are not able to put you in touch with Adam but if you would like to explore connecting with others that you may have similarities with you could check out the resource list on our website. https://crazywisefilm.com/#resources There are peer run services and survivor let organizations that can connect you with people with lived experience and there are also organizations where you can share your experience and learn of others.

        Reply
  2. geoff

    Hey, thank you Adam for being so brave and open. I just wanted to introduce myself, maybe offer some hope. My story starts at 20 with a diagnosis of bi-polar disorder. I took depakote for a few months but discontinued them and followed my dream of being a ski bum instead. It was the best choice I could have made. I had no tools to cultivate peace, besides skiing and playing in the mountains, and so at 24 I learned to meditate. I felt healed from the disorder, or more so the diagnosis through practicing meditation. At 27 after finishing a degree in psychology I developed ulcerative colitis. College would have been impossible without my routine of meditation. Also I avidly skied and climbed mountains to create peace in my life. At 29 I had a kundalini awakening experience (and I experienced a total return to wellness which lasted a few weeks). During this moment of healing I began dating a close friend. Our joining was a challenge at first but we have stayed together through it all and have married, which is amazing. I am now 32 and since the onset of ulcerative colitis I have been living in a constant state of spastic bowels with the exception of my kundalini experience. I have been able to face so much simply by meditating. The young man I was at 20 did not have the “tools” to face what I now deal with daily. Chronic digestive diseases aren’t fun, but my mind is no longer the hell it once was. We get better. I would love to connect with you if you would like. I wish I could proclaim I am totally healed, but I still have more of a journey to walk, but I understand I am designed to be well.

    Reply
  3. Rossa Forbes

    Hi, Adam,
    I’m a latecomer to commenting on your post as I have only learned about Phil Borges and his wonderful site recently. I am the mother of a 30 year old son who was diagnosed with “schizophrenia” when he was 20. Shocked at first, my husband and I did what most parents do, which was to seek out medical help. I wasn’t aware there was another way of considering my son’s experience, but I finally learned to ask the right questions by consulting the great god of Google. I have spent the past few years helping my son search out a better, more shamanic interpretation of his experiences because I firmly believe this path leads to the greatest growth, especially when the themes of one’s so-called “illness” tend to the spiritual and the supernatural. A purely medical explanation and the label “schizophrenia” serves no one well.

    What actually prompted me to make a comment here is that I have come to think that American society prematurely pushes people back to work. What you and my son experienced/are experiencing is a shattering of a former personality, a cosmic force has been unleashed within you. Our society, the way most of us have been raised, is to push people into jobs because “time is money.” In my son’s case, he was completely unable to work or go back to university, trying to do so only added to his anxiety, which manifests as visions. (I couldn’t help noticing that the coffee shop in one of the video interviews seems to be a very noisy place. I don’t think my son could have handled it early on in his journey.) I eventually came to accept the long-term view about his job prospects, while dragging him to all kinds of unconventional healers. He’s had his assemblage point shifted, he’s experienced several out-of-body states brought on by pure sound vibration and the list goes on and on. I realized early on that there is a dangerous message that can be associated even with alternative therapies, and that message is that there is something wrong with the person that needs to be “cured” enough to take on a boring job and never have visions again. What I want for my son, and people like him, is to learn how to make sense of these messages and experiences and use them to benefit the world. I have no doubt you are one of these people with a unique gift. The challenge is finding that unique gift and surrounding yourself with people believe in you.
    Warm regards,
    Rossa

    Reply
    • Kristin

      What I want for my son, and people like him, is to learn how to make sense of these messages and experiences and use them to benefit the world. I have no doubt you are one of these people with a unique gift. The challenge is finding that unique gift and surrounding yourself with people believe in you.
      I cut and pasted this quote from Rossa because this is exactly what I want to do. I have found people who believe in me, and after over 20 years of living with “bi-polar” –and having similar experiences to Adam and others—I believe in me. I trained as a healer and I am sharing my gifts. http://www.spiralhealing,org. I would love to find others who are interested in sharing their gifts and looking at these “psych. conditions” differently. I am so grateful for this new film that you are working on!!!! It is a dream come true.

      Reply
    • Kristin

      Thanks, Rossa, for your beautiful comment. Your son is so blessed to have you supporting him.
      I cut and pasted this quote from Rossa because this is exactly what I want to do. I have found people who believe in me, and after over 20 years of living with “bi-polar” –and having similar experiences to Adam and others—I believe in me. I trained as a healer and I am sharing my gifts. http://www.spiralhealing,org. I would love to find others who are interested in sharing their gifts and looking at these “psych. conditions” differently. I am so grateful for this new film that you are working on!!!! It is a dream come true.

      Reply
  4. kurt

    Hello-
    I’m writing this to Adam, letting him know someone else is out there that is going through some spiritual shit also. I just turned 30, and I’ve lived a free spirited life- right now I live in Hilo, Hawaii which is where my world was recently shattered from direct interaction with the spirit/s. Not only did I have bizarre things going on in my head, things started to appear out of nowhere when there wasn’t anything there before, saw a ‘hellhound’- a HUGE 300-400 lbs mastiff with electric red glowing eyes, was almost struck by lighting several times which made my violently sick and my mind and body flashed white- the weirdest instance when a lot of pairs of red eyes came out of the darkness and started cackling I saw a white mist of energy forming for about 5-10 seconds and then lightning hit into it and I was like 20-30 feet away, really really loud explosions surrounding me one night- woke up an acquantance- and then I absorbed an instant shot of ecstasy/energy and I started running and ran by a few yards where whole tables of fire works were being lit and fires flaring up with no one around which happened several times, It played with a phone I had- it was turning it off and on, put several web page screens on it- the first was of a skull half on fire and words underneath that said “paranormal at work,” lead me into the jungle where It interacted with me through plants and inside my body with a weird but pleasurable ‘cramp’ or sensation in my muscles, saw two orange orbs in the ocean which seemed to watch me while at the same time weird things with electricity was happening, etc. etc. I knew something was happening to me when Dec. 26th of 2013 when I was at a friends house and we started playing cards and I looked at one of mine and it was a King of clubs which no one else saw, and the next card off the deck was flipped over and it was a king of clubs and the one I had JUST SEEN was now a seven of clubs. Everyone is just saying I’m still delusional, but those things were crazy real. It was beautiful to see and experience such unworldly things continually happening around me but it got bad and was scary as hell during other times. A friend called the cops and told them I was going to hurt myself and they found me and took me to the hospital where it was a shit show. In short, I literally had a female spirit with me doing real things- she had dark hair. There was a male entity, but he took backseat to her. It sucks when you know you’re not crazy and that I know for a fact I was deep in the other world in a way that’s unbelievable. Got to stay in the mental house for a week and be labeled bipolar with psychotic features and have my family think I have some illness and no one believes me about what really happened- just that everything was ‘delusions’ and I was ‘crazy.’ What happened to me was real, and I feel like I know things about the cosmos and other worlds- at the very least that they exist and how real and alive all that stuff is. I simply don’t have the luxury of believing anymore in things unreal, because they were made real to me.

    Reply
  5. Dave S

    I hope you are well, Adam

    I just wanted to share that I totally relate to your story. My break was when I was 25 (I’m 57 now) and have spent most of my life in the mental health system – countless hospitalizations. I did manage to maintain and build a career until it was all ended/begun in 2004 when I retired on disability and moved to quiet farm country where the material isn’t important.

    A big part in finding peace in serenity for me came in 12 step programs. I had many fears which were addressed. For yourself, Emotions Anonymous comes to mind: http://www.emotionsanonymous.org/ – I’m sure they have meetings there. And, I think you will find a fellowship where you can share openly and honestly in an anonymous fashion – which is very important spiritually.

    Also, Jung wrote alot about the shadow – here’s some quotes, they are quite profound: http://psikoloji.fisek.com.tr/jung/shadow.htm

    Peace and serenity to you – your story has helped me sort some things out.

    Reply
  6. Michael Dunham

    I recently wrote a book called Autism and the Shadow Body. It explains about the detached human blood or shadow body. This shadow body is linked to the left brain lobe. The etheric body is linked to the right brain lobe. These two brain lobes are the tablets in the ark of the convenant or the head. The shadow or blood system in the body is the tree or four rivers in the garden of edan. The tree of knowledge is the central nervous system and the serpent is the spleen. The greys reside in the shadow or mind realm.

    Reply
  7. Maria

    As someone who has been through some difficult stuff myself at times, I just wanted to suggest to that Adam’s shadow isn’t necessarily all bad stuff. Adam, I think your shadow also contains a lot of your strength and your greatness. I think once you get more comfortable with your shadow, you will find that you are a much bigger, stronger person than you thought. I’m wishing you the best,

    Reply
  8. Dom

    Hey man,

    Iv been where you have been, and am currently still going through the things you are going through….thats literally all I can think or say at the moment. There is no such thing as coincidence, but there is always free will.

    Much love man!

    Reply
  9. Sydney

    Adam,

    In you, I see a kindred soul that is searching for personal salvation while providing love; light to others. Your interview above brought tears to my eyes. I, too, keep my pain inside while I serve humanity. I, too, serve based on the knowledge that I have gleaned from my shadows. I, too, feel as though my stability comes from “my tribe”/community; that if I were to share the origin of my light/love/healing, that I would lose that stability.

    If you ever need to share the pain of your shadows, I hope that you consider reaching out to me. Your diagnoses by Western medicine does not concern me, I have a few of those myself.

    May you find peace; comfort knowing there are other similar to you. You will be in my thoughts. Be well, peace be with you.

    Reply
  10. jessica

    Hi Adam,
    I have been following a little of your story here and can relate to parts of it. I too have found alot of peace and knowing through meditation. Something else I have found really helpful was learning to integrate the difficult feelings through something called Core Energetics. Learning to tolerate the rage and terror as energy streaming through my body helped me to reclaim the life force that was still trapped in historical stuff. Once I could trust the ground of my body to do that, I integrated more of the so called shadow parts of me. This journey and experience has been empowering and something that maybe helpful on your journey.
    All the best,
    Jessica

    Reply
  11. Jillian

    Hi Adam,

    I totally understand where you are coming from, I wrote a poem about exactly this a while back. I’d like to share it with you.

    It’s called “Echos of the Trolls within my head”

    Every step forward
    I fear to tread
    With every love
    My heart lies dead
    Futile wishes mirror
    Dreams encased in lead
    With
    Echos of the TROLL within my head

    It’s basically about the battle between what we know in our hearts and know in our heads.

    our eternal, or what seems like eternal, shadow dance, that too and fro which seems to be the driving force for our need to seek and find meaning and purpose. Yet hide the part of ourselves we believe others would find unpalatable, even while accept the exact same characteristics in them.

    You BEAUTIFUL SOUL, are a precious beautiful soul, because you are aware of your shadow. You know its there, and you battle it daily, your strength and light shines stronger because of this.

    One of the Doctors I once went to told me that there is no such thing as insanity, those who truely believe the illusion that there is nothing wrong with them, those are the people who should be classed as insane.

    I truely wish I could give you a hug. I honour you and your strength, everyday is a new challenge, with both its good and bad, yet to find the gratitude in that day is a blessing.

    Mahalo my friend.

    Mahalo

    LOve & LIght

    Jillian

    Reply
  12. Melissa

    Hi Adam,

    Your bravery is inspiring. A lot of people, including myself, can relate to your story. I would love to connect with you on a more personal level and go beneath all the labels. I recently went to a vipassana retreat as well and found it very healing. Hope you are doing well.

    Reply
  13. Lori Garber

    My dear friends, Yesterday I found this blog, and I have been there. Here are some details about how I arrived at the “turning point” in my Life and what guided my though the unveiling of my little soul. At 18 I saw a dream part of it came true. I met a man left school and moved to Turkey. The initial giving up of My Ego self meant I was no longer an Artist expressed on canvas, but I was creating a new self in a context of a different culture and religion. I became a mystic and experienced Divine Love, but the object of that Love could only be partially seen or realized. I left Turkey after seventeen years. You see I had always been connected and intuitive. Love of nature and spontaneous meditative states would be natural for me. They flourished in the Village where I Had easy access to nature and My holy Cows. This bought me great joy. I know that the soul is in a constant state of unveiling. Anything that is grasped may be examined for what it is worth and eventually released. No One thing can carry you all the way through. Until realizing this many people places ideologies and things came and left with great joy and great pain. At fourty- seven I suffered/enjoyed again a removal of veils… All of our identifiers only have the ability to activate certain realizations within and may be discarded at the right time. Poetry of the mystic often gives insight to your own growth. Read what you have written. It will guide you. Keep what serves your growth. Keep in mind you are evolving consciously. Keep still and greet All the Mind stuff… Just as quickly say What’s Next. Work though it all knowing it’s all just “in-formation” .
    An Infinite spirit of many faces and colors and voices, beckons us to embark on the journey. Sometimes we have a well stocked caravan to take us across the desert of the dark night. No matter what your provisions, Be KInd to Yourself. Love Yourself even if your not sure what there is to love. Be still and know you are god, Stay to the center of the wheel, be the HUb, Observe and ask What’s next, Journey on and stay well hydrated, pause at every mental oasis and refresh yourself. The next dawn will bring new Light. Move to Meditation, Silence your Mind, Breath Breath, Breath…
    Give a small kindness, even if you can only muster a smile, or treat your self to a shower, and know this is an unveiling of the you that is Truth. Your rewards will come in.
    Ego has many things to say about you. Just keep saying; I Love you… even when you not sure how to Love you. Perhaps a meal and a good nights sleep. The kindness will grow, towards yourself and others. Seeking is internal. A vision quest will clear your goggles. Let you see what is veiling. Be attentive to your thoughts. Allow at your pace not the spirits… Question everything, analyse it then disgard what is no longer needed. Be vigilant in Kindness to yourself, keep the body safe. Know the spirit is evolving too. A non human evolution has no regard for your body. To continue, remember thekingdom is your be an effective manager of your mind space.
    Please be Still and Ask. The answers will come. Be a scientist of your discovery, find the right formula for you. You may be heated, cooled, skimmed, dried, pulverized, added to, subtracted from, heated again until the truth is obtained, the anything you’re added to will become golden. A magician, Unveiling a Dove, from under the spirit of the cape of ego… the soul a babe to be nurtured. a mustard seed of faith will do well here or the salt with savor, maintain you focus..there will be something of your flavor that preservers all this. Know there are great things of Goodly-ness inside. Nurture it to freedom. Oh Wow, funny even his name denotes the Work. Hallelujah is the song… Smile even if you have no reason… touch the soil… say I love you… Study…and breath. Go to sleep with intention to be taught and remember the lessons. Be silent if you know your not ready to speak.. Speak if you know you have something to share… Their are no rules even though the ten commandments may help. drugs may or may not…Hermits and nuns have made it too. The books of the dead are a facsimile of this life when you find yourself in the lower astral worlds, do not take fascination with anything during the dark night, keep your focus on your goal even if you don’t know it .Say I am growing In conciseness. Say thank you and release.. Meditate and forgive. Don’t kill your body. Just usher away the Ego, Meditate on growth for loving service. Be steadfast and patient. You will Find your way. Thank you, for the impetus you have given me through your service and experience. My self to Yourself. Please and Thank you.. forever.
    A person who studied was patient and Loved their way Through the Door. Hope Grace Patience

    Reply
  14. Christina

    Phil, I just saw your Ted talk today, it was amazing. After reading through Adam’s post I feel compelled to mention Dr. Charles L. Whitfield. Any of his books may be helpful to Adam or to any of the people following Adam’s story. There are a list of them on Wikipedia. I personally have read “Healing The Child Within”, and “Boundaries and Relationships”. I was so impressed with these books that I also plan to read “Not Crazy: You May Not Be Mentally Ill”, and ” The Truth About Depression”. I hope this information may be useful to even one person who is looking for inner peace.

    Reply
  15. Misty

    “sometimes we gotta go away to come back”, a good friend once said to me. fear can be crippling, yes… but it is also a survival tool. when we observe in terms of excess and deficiency, we can make adjustments in our lives that are more fitting for us. Aristotle’s Golden Mean philosophy could be applied here… instead of being at war with fear itself, perhaps Adam could benefit from accepting fear as a part of the collective consciousness and embracing it to an extent that he can be comfortable with… to balance his fear instead of running from it. fear is trust’s not-so-distant cousin, and there are many similarities between the two when you really think about it. we cannot always trust everyone or everything, but we also cannot doubt everyone or everything either… both are a recipe for disaster. but the same holds true for fear. we should not fear everyone & everything, but we also should not be blindedly brave or overly confident. harmony demands a balance in all things… i hope that Adam finds his balance and comes back to a better place.

    Reply
  16. Annemarie

    I’m new to this blog and it has touched my heart. Adam I hope that you have found some peace and harmony on your journey.

    Reply
  17. Zoe

    Adam, I don’t know very much about very much but maybe this will make some kind of sense to you.
    I think that we, being but an expression of lifeforce in moment of infinite time, are in constant motion through that moment. As we go, we absorb and we exude, we take and we give. We move through light and darkness (love, pain etc.) . Our own and each others. We are always moving side to side, oscillating between the light and the dark. The deeper we move into the light we must too move back the same depth into the darkness… eventually. This is the nature of oscillation. The light can be as scary as the dark but because others tend to be drawn to light (especially when that light is enhanced by our growing understanding and ability to share a gift) the light seems safer because we are in communion with others there. The oscillation back to the dark (which is naturally inevitable) is scarier because we know on the furthest edge of that darkness we will be alone and we must commune with our secret selves. In the shadow, where we hide from others, we cannot hide from ourselves. But I think that it is here we learn the lessons and gain the volition which will send us oscillating back in the light with more force so that we can go further into the light than we have ever gone before.
    So I guess my point in the simplest way it is falling from me is this: The darkness is there and you will periodically be moving in and out of it. Prepare for the movement back there while you are in the light. move consciously and willingly as possible. resistance to it only brings more pain. Take your toolbag of love with you there so that you can be compassionate with all that you find on the deepest edge of your darkness. That edge will be your greatest healer.
    Lastly try not to resist people who offer to hold your space in light while you journey into that darkness, sometimes you need the voices and light of others to guide you back.

    My two cents. keep trusting in the strength of universal hands which hold you.

    Reply
  18. David Swan

    Hey Adam, I get the light and I get the dark and the desire to rage when you’ve spent so many years being quite. I was diagnosed with an existential crisis with elements of a psychosis but seen as not that bad, only took medication when I needed it and went through dark and horrifying nightmares. Suddenly I am scared of everything but also have days when I am relaxed. I have removed myself away from everyone including teachers. I was unemployed but that was boring and now I am working 15 hours a week teaching English one on one. I still haven’t talked to anyone because some of the imagery is so disturbing but I may be starting to calm down. I have been tested literally with my shadows like a battle between the dark and light. I still take things slowly though but would be nice to hook up with people to talk about these things but if you are poor you cannot afford it. Just enough to get by. such is life.

    Reply
  19. Alexis

    For both Adam & Phil~
    Phil, I thank you for your TED talk I discovered last night and also for this blog in which you have shared Adam’s story. Throughout my life and journey it has seemed to me, unfortunately, that some of the most intelligent & creative people with so much to share to help others have at some point been diagnosed & “labelled” with ”mental illness” or as Joshua Walters, in another Ted Talk on “being just crazy enough” so elloquently stated,”mental skillness” rather than the stigmatizing and unfortunate “mental illness” that our society so unfortunately deems it, including myself. I, myself, have been diagnosed and have also been in a hospital put on awful medications that took me a long time to wean off from the awful side effects from all the medications they had put me on, while I do remain on a couple prescriptions, as I have been on prescriptions for so long, unfortunately I feel as though I have to remain on a couple for my brain to function well enough for day to day, which at this point I just accept for what it is.
    I have a masters from Columbia University, but if it weren’t for the understanding of my adopted family and ability to live at home at times, I’m sure could easily have been homeless at times.

    I have been fortunate to have met some amazing people along my journey, including Nancy Cooke De Herrera, who wrote All You Need is Love, based on her time with Maharishi in India, who taught me transcendental meditation, before she passed in California. As well as Itzhak Beery at the Open Center in NYC, who is a founder of the NY Shamanic circle, as well as an incredible shaman/healer and have taken some of his classes in NYC, he has a workshop coming up on Shamanism & psychotherapy, teaching workshops throughout US, Israel, Italy and also has had trips to Arizona camping/mediation. Sri Dharma Mittra, known as the psychic guru, amongst many, is an 80 yr old world reknowned yoga teacher who I trained with for my yoga teaching certification in NYC, I did for the experience of being in his presence. I have spent a weekend with John of God in Toronto, a medium spiritual healer who became more known as Wayne Dyer claimed he healed his Leukemia followed by an Oprah special. I had found a wonderful retreat center in NY state called Shalom Mountain Retreats, which holds very healing retreats in which a “safe container” is created within the community and the principles of love are taught as well as jounrneying to confront fear and anger and grief/sadness within the support of the community.
    I had been introduced to holotropic breathwork in one of the retreats lead by one of the retreat leaders from Shalom. I have experienced great losses, and have found strength within community and healing through the love of others before I was able to gain love for myself through those retreats. I have found some wonderful people and communities along the way, and if either of you are interested please e-mail me I’d love to share and elaborate.
    Adam~ I am thankful to have found this blog, your short videos that very briefly share pieces of your journey. Your music, talents, articulations or lack of being able to but just in communicating alone. It is very interesting how in some cultures throughout the world people are deemed healers and looked up to while in ours it tends to be a stigmatization of “illness”. You seem to have found some incredible people through the soulfoods bookstore, I love how the one woman described it as our society being broken not the individual. In sharing on this blog alone, you have touched and helped so many. I do not see anything that has been posted recently or in the past 2 yrs on here and I hope that this finds you well and that you continue to read on here how many people you have touched. Your willingness to share and you briefly singing a song “Thank you for the pain”, the gratefulness you have had and communicated is so inspiring in itself. I am very grateful to have found this and your story. I hope you continue within a supportive community that holds love and space and that you continue to receive it. As much as life can be alienating, I do believe that love and strength within human connection and supportive people & communitues continue to be some of the most important things in life. I truly hope this finds you well and that you continue to share your journey, your music, that helps to bring light and a sense of community to others, in your uniqueness. One of my favorite quotes I just recently read from Man’s Search for Meaning, by Viktor Frankl, was him quoting Dostoevski, in saying,”There is only one thing that I dread: not to be worthy of my sufferings.” after which Frankl says, “It is this spiritual freedom-which cannot be taken away-that makes life meaningful and purposeful.”. or Nietzsche’s,”He who has a why to live for can bear with almost any how.”
    I truly hope this finds you well and that you continue to post and share.
    ~ Alexis

    Reply
    • Phil Borges

      Thank you for getting in touch and sharing Alexis! We have continued production on CRAZYWISE, a feature length documentary film that includes Adam’s story. It will be release in the Spring. Please check out http://www.crazywisefilm.com and sign up for our newsletter to keep in touch. Best wishes along your journey!

      Reply
  20. Jessica

    Hello Adam,

    I can relate to your compartmemtalizing emotions/thoughts and feelings I was the master at it. I was sexually, mentally and physically abused from birth to early adulthood. Everything had its place. Every darkness had its corner. I underwent a huge psychological reprogramming ( by myself/alone). I was some how able to step outside of my self (spiritually and mentally ) and assess everything I had been through and make sense of it and start the healing process. I had some very destructive thoughts and habits … i had a battle and chose to Leave the toxic aftermath in the gutter and emerged with every intention to succeed and not be hindered. I felt there was a sense of purpose… like everything I had gone through was necessary. After literally locking myself away from every one, I continued to dive into myself… slowly and surely my life was Deconstructed then reconstructed by hand. The past few years I’ve struggled but it wasn’t until I discovered ayahuasca that I totally cleaned out that basement of strategically hidden demons. The ceremony allowed me to release things I didn’t even know existed. When I came home I was ripped wide open. Spiritually, emotionally! I often have very intuitive dreams, since childhood- often healing/helping others in them or they give me information … those dreams were intensified after peru. One dream told me of a family friends cancer, she battled and had just been healed. Another 3 night dream showed me a lady’s child hood, her issues and the third night I removed something dark- (depression from what she told me ) in the dream I literally pulled it from her chest. I spoke over it, telling it that it had no place here or with her. I’ve dreamt of others needing guidance or closure after death. These dreams, the synchronicity I’m experiencing is far to much at times. I have no one to confide In because they don’t believe in it, or it freaks them out! I don’t have a choice not to believe, it’s been here my whole existence so I’ve learned to go with it. Just know you are not alone. I have been doing plenty of self study… and started practicing core shamanism and journeying recently (seems like it may help but I just started) I keep wondering when or how I’ll find my teacher… I’ve already ran into bad ones. I just want to learn more and fulfill my purpose. Surely there’s more.I look forward to reading and being moreof this site as well. Keep your head up, the struggles do not define you! The fire is meant to refine you.

    Reply
  21. Sarah Jean

    I canNOT wait for your film! Like so many on here, this is close to my heart ❤️… for so many reasons…
    Phil, do you have an update on Adam? I know it’s been 3 years since the blog was updated. Do you think you’ll be back? This seems so pertinent in so many lives…
    What beauty and healing this blog has brought to so many, there is so much power in simply knowing we are not alone…
    Thank you beyond words
    Sarah Jean

    Reply
  22. Chloe Chantal

    A little delayed on my comment, I know.
    But I just got the TED suggestion via YOUTUBE and I was absolutely moved and had to find out more/how the progress was doing!
    You can just tell Adam has a beautiful beautiful soul.
    If there are any ANY ways to help
    Or come together as a community and support
    (There are like minded people out there!
    Don’t lose hope!)
    As I’m sure you can tell by all the curious, caring people still sending love and light!)
    I would love to be a part of this!

    Wishing you ALL the best my friend.
    -Chloe

    Reply

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