Adam took me aside a few days ago and let me know that he was feeling uncomfortable in the way he was being portrayed on the blog. Below is a post written first hand by Adam to share with us the full spectrum of his process. As Adam mentions, “My healing is to embrace this light…and where it is coming from is from my shadow.”
The following interview takes place in Adam’s car.
I am writing this to address my fearful suppression.
The agreement of my mind is in the current state of indifference. I have forgotten who I am. I have lost my connection with the state in which I experience “I am me”. This state of self agreement, I may now only falsely experience through projected memories of my perceived contentment.
I am seeking my agreeable compromise. My emotions are detached from my awareness. My awareness is detached from my experience. Me, myself and I do not see eye to eye. I am who! Who am I?! My personality has shattered.
My terror and my joy are all that I have left as references to who this Adam character might be. I am experiencing the necessary contraction of my recently expanded awareness in order to find the agreement of my realized self spectrum.
I could say that I am depressed after yet another “manic episode”. I am naturally processing. The level of emotional intensity within the experience that one is processing, determines the spectrum of awareness necessary for that individual.
I am not bipolar. I am really human. Most of my day I am consumed by fearful remembrance. All that I see becomes horrible. All that I see is the evil in the world. The chaos of my harmony.
I become trapped in this perspective. Illusions of murder, sexual abuse, loss, hatred. Screaming voices of anguish and rage, consuming me no matter the environment. I become a P.T.S.D party of one.
Throughout my life I have been diagnosed with almost every mental disorder that the brain has ordered itself to have. I have been sent to the local nut house more than once. I have been forced to take more pharmaceutical drugs than a retired lab rat. P.T.S.D.A.D.H.D.L.M.N.O.P. with aspergers and fries… my self diagnosis.
I’m just really scared. I become so frightened that I experience a form of paralyzed awareness. The majority of what I experience as my personality, shuts down. It is not safe for me to be where I am. Flash backs of horror. While this is happening I will be smiling and telling you that I’m fine.
My mind convinces itself that it is not safe for me to share or receive anything that I think or feel. The triggers to my traumas are rooted in the fundamental aspects of everything that experience as my mind . I was deeply traumatized as a child. I have had a very traumatic, dramatic life since then. My mind blacked out my child hood trauma until it had the necessary perspective to begin accepting my experience.
My mind has fragmented for its own safety. I have remembered a forgotten identity in my mind. He is the shadow of my light. He has dealt with my rage and fear my entire life. He calls himself Eric.
We recently met in my subconscious mind during a mushroom healing. I agreed to accept him and help him deal with what I have refused. In return, he will eventually chill out, forgive my denial and integrate as Adam. Any exchange of energy, with myself or another has the potential to wake his cranky ass up.
If I avoid you, it is because my mind is screaming horrifying things about the fact that you might try to rape, kill or molest me in some way. I must objectively allow this reality to be while explaining to my forgotten self as to why everything is OK. This is my process of unification. My brain is currently out of order… so it thinks. My heart is broken… so it feels. Ideas of family, home, hobbies, comfort, stability, accomplishment, intimate relationships, anything involving personal enjoyment as an experience, currently reminds me of pain and sorrow. I am my resistance.
Please don’t take it personal. I am healing. Writing this is terrifying. This blog is terrifying. This film is terrifying. You are terrifying! I am terrifying! I will be OK. Fear is the crazy one, not me. Fear is scaring me out of my mind and into my heart. Thank you my fear, you are my teacher, my forgotten truth’s only friend. LOVE!